i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
