If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
