Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
