Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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