Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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