why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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