last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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