my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
