I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
