apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
