Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
