Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
sarcasm needs its own font
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
