but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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