So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
