Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
