just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
