Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
