Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
