Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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