hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
