On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
