My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
