Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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