I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
