I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
