question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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