I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
