Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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