I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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