i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
