The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
