If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
