you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
