Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
