i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
