i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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