i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
