Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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