I faked an abortion last night.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
