i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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