I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
