I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
