You can't motorboat a personality
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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