At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
