I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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