Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
