when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
