end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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