Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
