Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
